Showing Compassion Toward The Bereaved

One wonderful thing about such a decisive outcome to this election is that it affords the Republicans no room to claim that the election was somehow stolen. But they are trying. On the news this morning the discussion is all about race, how race played such a huge part because all those damn blacks and mexicans voted for Obama. And there is another theme; the press LOVED Obama, instead of loving McCain. How unfair! Former RNC head Haley Barbour described the press's bias towards Obama as "the world's longest wet kiss". Ooops, hints of interracial sex there? How completely unfair for McCain, who used to call the press "my base" and take them on bus rides. And then he stopped talking to them on the orders his campaign staff of secretive Lobbyists and Karl Rove acolytes. To some degree McCain even started to run against the press and that pretty much ruined the relationship. But we will hear a shopping list of excuses, complaints and whines. What we will not hear are claims of election fraud. Not with a seven million margin in the popular vote.

That should, logically, make it easier for Republicans to come to terms with the outcome and the new President. Logic does not always work. Logical people will easily be able to move on and get behind the new administration. Others will not. Those are probably the sort of people to deal with fairly cautiously. For several months it probably would be wise to not make sudden movements near them. In addition I would suggest that one avoid all use of the term "yes we can" or any one of the individual words: "yes" "we" and "can". It will take a certain amount of ingenuity to avoid these words, but with care it can be done. Let me give an example. If one is asked "Would you be willing to go on a date with my Supermodel cousin tonight?" or... "I am tired of my great wealth so I wonder if it would be okay if I just gave it all to you?" a person's normal reaction might be to say "yes". But note, during this transitional period that could be a mistake. Acceptable responses could be "sure" "okay" or "I'll say!" but for obvious reasons it probably would be wise to avoid the use of the term "You betcha!"

At first this may be somewhat awkward, but with practice it should become second nature in a few days. Another option is to only speak to Republican stalwarts in another language such as French or German, but that could be misinterpreted, so a change in normal usage is probably to be preferred.

Despite one's best efforts, on occasion one may encounter a true "red stater" who is in a very, very, lousy, no good, angry mood. The best approach when dealing with such an individual is simple. Lie. One must treat the situation exactly as one would if the task was to talk a distraught man off the ledge of a building; one says and does whatever is needed to get the person back in through the window so they can be overpowered and transported to a psychiatric ward. In this instance, of course, the last part is not appropriate, but talking down a troubled individual, and leaving as quickly as possible, is the next best thing. A sample response might be "You know, in the end I just found that the older guy seemed (insert complimentary term) than the younger one, so I had to vote straight Republican". Be aware that some more troubled individuals may be at risk of fainting, so be prepared to assist them if they collapse. This line, or a variation on it, should be delivered with a mournful shaking of the head. With any luck the individual you are speaking with will stop shaking the blunt object they are holding and begin shaking their head in sympathy. In such an event one should be on guard for the possibility that they next will throw their arms around you and begin to weep uncontrollably. If this happens, guide them to a chair and tell them you must leave to go cry by yourself in a dark room so as to not appear "unmanly" in public. With any luck they will find that suggestion so appealing that they will leave immediately to do the same. A two or three days bout of crying may, in the end, do them a world of good.

Next week we will discuss public demeanor and the importance of not breaking into spontaneous laughter and end-zone victory dancing in public places. Remember, the best way to avoid confrontation is to keep one's shoulders rounded, walk with a dragging step and weep occasionally. In short, just remember some of the ways you behaved during the darker days of the Bush administration, and exhibit such behavior at any point where you are uncertain about the company you are surrounded with. Such behavior will either be harmless or entirely appropriate. The important thing is to survive long enough to enjoy having a really intelligent President. Getting into a bar fight with a deranged conservative could risk all of that.

As a final note, do not under any circumstances attempt to have a substantive conversation with any such individuals. Follow the "DLF" rule: Distract, Lie, Flee.

Arthur