Weekend Update - Olympics Edition

(Been watching the Olympics?  It's on most the time around our compound, and I'm getting sick of it.  Don't get me wrong, I love women's beach volleyball as well as any other man, but where do they come up with some of these "sports?"  Team "handball?  On a field?  And what about ping pong?  Excuse me, "Table Tennis." Ha. I know, I saw "Forest Gump" too, but come on, we used to play ping pong drunk on our collective asses in Jerry Paulsen's garage.  And I'm here to tell you, any one of us, in any state of inebriation, could beat the wimps playing in the Olympics.  And DON'T EVEN get me started about that dancing horse crap.  The Olympics should be just one kind of game, formed out of two teams, 11 players on each side, where the idea is to get this oval looking ball down the field to the opponents goal posts, and ... wait a minute.  I might be thinking of football.  NFL preseason game tomorrow.  Everything's going to be okay.  But I digress ...)

• Apparently Dirty Harry is loosing it.  Seems that Clint Eastwood, the actor-director, has endorsed Mitt Romney for president.  "I said, God, this guy, he's too handsome to be governor, but he does look like he could be president," Eastwood joked. "As the years have gone by I began to think even more so about that."  Yes, that's a quote.  Well, so much for that right-wing "Hollywood Elite" argument.
• Want to keep those pesky terrorist fundamentalist tourist away from your country?  Well, who doesn't?  A Danish politician has come up with a capital idea that we here at Bad Hat fully endorse.  Peter Skaarup says that footage of women sunbathing topless at Danish beaches should be included in tourism videos to scare away extremists.  That's right, barrage them with topless women!  But Naser Khader, a member of the Danish parliament and apparently a serious poopy-head, declared later that "A pair of naked breasts is no protection against extremism."   Oh yeah?  How does HE know?  We say, go for it!  And while we're on the subject, where's the nearest topless bakery?  I could use a danish ...
• "Mitt Romney's recent overseas trip was designed to present the presumptive Republican nominee as a statesman, but to the contrary portrayed the candidate as an narrow-minded, insensitive, race-baiting, war-mongering, uber-pandering empty-suit whose foreign policy and diplomatic skills make Sarah Palin seem downright Kissingeresque."  Jeeze I love that quote.  Romney, Sarah Palin, and Henry Kissinger all in one sentence.  Read more, it's good.
• I want you to close your eyes and think about this:  Picture the Gross Domestic Product amount of the United States AND Japan combined.  Without knowing the exact amount you can probably imagine it's quite a chunk of money, right?  Well, it's about $21 Trillion, or about the same amount that the "super rich" have stashed away in off shore accounts.  No, really.
• "Who is Barack Obama? We know less about this man than any other President in American history. What’s he hiding? His autobiography is full of fictional characters. But there’s a lot more than that. If you try to look into his past, you run into a brick wall. His college records at Columbia, sealed! His college records at Harvard, sealed! We don’t know what his thesis papers were about because those are sealed too. He Selective Service record is sealed. His records as an attorney are sealed. He has a Connecticut Social Security number and we can’t get answers about that either.  And no one — I mean no one — has seen an actual physical copy of Barack Obama’s birth certificate."  THEY'RE STILL OUT THERE! gawdluv'em.
• Remember December 7th, 1941, the day of the surprise attack on Pearl Harbor?  Well, most of us don't because we weren't alive yet, but I'm sure you've heard of it.  Most of us DO remember September 11th, 2001, the day of those horrible attacks on the twin towers and the Pentagon.  That too was a horrible day.  And do you remember the black day of August 1st, 2012?  No?  Well that was the day the contraception coverage mandate went into effect, and Pennsylvania Rep. Mike Kelly (R-Douchebag) has publicly compared the first two dates with the third one.  Kinda just makes you want to go out and enlist, don't it?