Message From a Recovering Thinker

(From Arthur...)

It started out innocently enough. I began to think at parties now and then -- to just loosen up a bit. One thought led to another, and soon I was more than just a social thinker.

I began to think alone -- 'to relax,' I told myself -- but I knew it wasn't true. Thinking became more and more important to me, and finally I was thinking all the time.

That was when things began to turn sour at home. One evening I turned off the TV and asked my wife about the meaning of life. She spent that night at her mother's.

I began to think on the job. I know that thinking and employment don't mix, but I couldn't stop myself. I began to avoid friends at lunchtime so I could read Thoreau and Kafka. I would return to the office dizzied and confused, asking, 'What exactly are we doing here?' One day the boss called me in. He said, 'Listen, I like you and it hurts me to say this, but your thinking has become a real problem. If you don't stop thinking on the job, you'll have to find another place to work.'

This gave me a lot to think about. I came home early after my conversation with the boss. 'Honey,' I confessed, 'I've been thinking... ''I know you've been thinking,' she said, 'and I want a divorce!' 'But Honey, surely it's not that serious.' 'It is serious,' she said, her lower lip quivering. 'You think as much as college professors, and college professors don't make any money, so if you keep on thinking, we won't have any money!'

'That's a faulty syllogism,' I said impatiently. She exploded in tears of rage and frustration, but I was in no mood to deal with a tawdry emotional drama. 'I'm going to the library,' I snarled as I stomped out the door.

I headed for the library, in the mood for some Nietzsche. I roared into the parking lot with NPR on the radio and ran up to the big glass doors... They didn't open. The library was closed.

To this day, I believe that a Higher Power was looking out for me that night. Leaning on the cold glass, whimpering for Zarathustra, a poster caught my eye. 'Friend, is heavy thinking ruining your life?' it asked. You probably recognize that line. It is the standard Thinker's Anonymous poster.

Which is why I am what I am today: a recovering thinker. I never miss a TA meeting. At each meeting we watch a non-educational video; last week it was 'Porky's.' Then we share experiences about how we avoided thinking since the last meeting. I was able to keep my job and things are a lot better at home. Life just seems... easier, somehow, since I stopped thinking. I am happy to say that the road to recovery is nearly complete for me. But it still is just one day at a time, one step at a time.

Today, I registered to vote as a Republican.