In Search of a "Real Man"

When I was young, I had the great fortune on many occasions to watch my Grandfather chop wood. My grandparents lived in a huge old house in the Whittaker area of Eugene before the whole neighborhood went in the shitter, and in my opinion my Grandfather was about as close to the caricature of Abraham Lincoln as one could get. He was tall and lanky and had the same chiseled features of the man himself. Watching Grandpa deftly handle each precious piece of fir with one hand while reducing it to perfect sticks of kindling was watching an artist at work. This, I opined, was the ultimate Man. And Grandpa was a Republican.

Working closely with the media, Republicans have fine tuned their image in America of being the Party of Real Men. Real Men hunt, kill, and eat wild animals. Real Men own huge vehicles with big tires and don't really care about the cost of gasoline. Real Men don't worship God as much as they collaborate with God, because God is on their side. Real Men value sports; real sports like football, baseball and boxing. Real Men love guns and own many of them, and love wars and talking about their exploits in them. Real men abhor tolerance, science, and higher education. Real Men are in awe of nature only because they have not yet to find a way to control it. Real Men value money over all other things. Real Men are Republicans.

Republican women know their place. A Republican woman wears a dress, takes care of the house and children, and keeps her mouth shut. The first lady of a Republican president learns the gestures, the sideways glances of adoration, the approving vacant smile. Republican women rarely, if ever, run for public office. When was the last time a Republican woman ran, or even considered running, for President? They know they're not smart enough, and besides, they just don't have the time. Republican women make great pies. They are the wives of Real Men.

While the media in this country has, for the past 30 years, contributed to the strengthening of this image in the public eye, they have also presented us with the image of the Democratic Party. A Democrat is, among other things, a wimpy limp-wristed former hippy Vegan who flip flops on the issues. Even war heroes belonging to the Democratic side of life, are debased and ridiculed for being too soft, too smart, and too "French-looking." Democrats don't really love guns, don't really hunt, don't really drive huge vehicles, don't really love sports, and don't really believe in God. They want to raise your taxes, give welfare to worthless, lazy bums, and think everyone is entitled to health care in this country.

Democratic women are Lesbians. They wear pants, and some don't even shave their legs, and most of them are highly educated, and have, of all things, opinions of their own. They're activists, tree-huggers, do-gooders, uppity. At least as far as the media is concerned. They run for public office, and even run for President of the United States. When they appear to have personal integrity and intelligence, they are referred to as "having balls," as though that was a compliment. They are generally more frightening to Republican Real Men than black people.

Republican Real Men in this country are not like my Grandfather. They lack honesty, integrity, and compassion. They lie, cheat, and heap scorn, and show their true emotions only when caught and prosecuted. But why is it so hard to defeat them at the polls? It's the Real Man thing. Americans love a Real Man. The Democratic candidates are all trying desperately to show how manly they are in regard to homeland security, and bombing other countries. Trying to show how hard and tough and unyielding they can be. Trying to be Real Men. But I've noticed they're not really that good at it. Except for one candidate.

And she's a woman.