(So we're watching M.A.S.H. the other night, the boy and me, and there's this episode where Radar is in the bar and he's apparently getting tipsy on Grape Nehi, and the boy turns to me and says "Dad, did you ever drink Grape Nehi?" And my thoughts instantly ran to hot summer afternoons on my bike in the old neighborhood, the old little store on 20th street, being thirstier than the Mill Tails of Hell, and the first big gulp of an incredibly cold bottle of Grape Nehi. You could feel the carbonation and the slam of intense grape flavoring all the way to your toes. It was, at the time, better than sex. Of course I was only 12 at the time, but still. So instead of trying to explain it all to him - well okay I tried, but half way into it I got teary eyed about my bike and lost him - and realizing you can't just go out and buy the original Grape Nehi anymore, I suggested we look it up on the old Internet. And guess what? We found a place that still has the Nectar of the Preteen Gods available. It turns out that for a mere $1.99 a bottle, Old 52 General Store will send directly from their warehouse in Sabin, Minnesota, just a stone's throw from Fargo, North Dakota, the original formula Grape Nehi to your home in Eugene, Oregon. Ah, the wonders of modern convenience. But of course at $1.99 a bottle, and with shipping and handling, a six-pack of this stuff will run your credit card about 30 bucks, and that's $5.00 a bottle when all is said and done. So we're sitting out on the deck drinking this $5 a bottle Grape Nehi and the boy says "can I have another one?" and I says I don't think so, at these prices. We'll save them, and only drink them one a day, or when we're watching M.A.S.H. or or or or. There's 2 of them left. We follow each other out to the kitchen to make sure the other one doesn't snitch one. I know he's waiting for me to go asleep. I must stay awake. But I digress ...
Fidel Castro turned 85 today. Merely one of the oldest living douche bags in the Western Hemisphere. Salsa and cigars, baby. That's what it's all about.- So in the Republican race to see who looks the silliest in the 2012 elections, Michelle "Batshit" Bachmann has apparently bested the Field of Dreams games, nationally known as the Iowa Straw Poll, where rich contenders pay plenty to win a contest no one pays any attention to, because it doesn't matter anyway. We here at Bad Hat offer our sincere congratulations to whomever was responsible. By the way, if you're interested, some guy named Paul finished second. All the other have seemed to come to their senses and gone home.
- Team Jesus head cheerleader Rick Perry is just seconds away from shooting his wad into the next presidential election, and most of us are wishing he'd just get on with it. What, he did it? Ohgawd, I feel so much better. This guy flat out frightens me. The sheer scope of his insincerity is jaw-dropping. I never thought we could witness anyone more full of crap than Mitt Romney, but Eureka! we have found him. I forced myself to listen to him talk the other day, and I think I'd have had more respect for this Bozo if he'd just whipped out his burrito and pissed on my shoes. If Hunter S. Thompson was alive he'd put a contract of somesort out on this idiot, or do it himself. God rest his soul.
- At the Fox News Christmas party the year the network overtook arch-rival CNN in the cable ratings, tipsy employees were herded down to the basement of a midtown bar in New York. As they gathered around a television mounted high on the wall, an image flashed to life, glowing bright in the darkened tavern: the MSNBC logo. A chorus of boos erupted among the Fox faithful. The CNN logo followed, and the catcalls multiplied. Then a third slide appeared, with a telling twist. In place of the logo for Fox News was a beneficent visage: the face of the network's founder. The man known to his fiercest loyalists simply as "the Chairman" – Roger Ailes. "It was as though we were looking at Mao," recalls Charlie Reina, a former Fox News producer. Forget Rupurt Murdock, here's a chilling report concerning the real man behind the evil, Roger Ailes.
- And speaking of Mitt, (for a real kick on a hot afternoon just start walking around your house saying mitt mitt mitt mitt over and over. Say it fast or slow, whatever irritates people more. See how long it takes before people tell you to go outside.) he experienced a bit of embarrassment when he hypothetically asked his audience to ponder what to do about the deficit. "Tax the corporations!" came the answer. Whoops. You could actually see Mitt's cheeks tighten, and I'm not speaking of the ones on his handsomely weathered face. "Corporations are people too, my friend," he says, thrusting his size 12 foot directly into his pretty lips. The fallout from that remark is only the beginning of Mitt's (mitt mitt mitt mitt) problems. Gosh this is going to be fun. Hand me that Grape Nehi dammit ...
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